The Irish backstop explained for absolute imbeciles (eg Theresa May)

Shall we go out to the pub?

We can’t, you idiot. We need to wait for the locksmith.

A locksmith? Why on earth would we need one of those?

Jesus, how many times do I have to explain this? We no longer have a key for the back door because you lost it. We can only go out when he’s fitted a new lock and given us a new key.

So what? Why’s it so important to lock the back door? It’ll be fine.

No it won’t. There’ve been three burglaries on this street in the last month alone! I’m not going out of the house until the back door is locked.

(Ten minutes later)

Right! Shall we go out to the pub.

What? Are you taking the piss? Didn’t we have this conversation like five minutes ago?

We did…but that was before I came up with a solution.

What on earth are you talking about?

Try the back door.

Try the…why would I…

I think you’ll find I’ve come up with an…alternative arrangement. Go on. Try to open the back door.

Well if it makes you…there. It’s open. What the hell is your point?

What the hell is…what are you talking about?! Come on, we can go to the pub now! It’s Thursday! Curry Club night!

But the door’s still not locked!!! Have you got early onset dementia or something? IT’S NOT LOCKED. WE CANNOT GO OUT TO THE FUCKING PUB YET.

But…what about my alternative arrangements?

Oh for fuck’s fucking sake who’d want to got to the pub with you anyway. “What about my alternative arrangements”. You’re a fucking arsehole.