What to say to British people to stop them voting Conservative

Britain's Home Secretary Theresa May delivers her keynote address on the second day of the Conservative party annual conference in Manchester

A few weeks ago I wrote a piece which offended, or at least annoyed, a number of people. It was called What to say to French people to stop them voting fascist and it proferred a number of phrases that could be used by anyone visiting France or meeting French people abroad to persuade them not to vote for Le Pen. Some felt strongly that it was patronising and could even be counterproductive. Well, they were wrong, because I myself decided that it wasn’t patronising and the French themselves confirmed that it had been the right thing to do by voting massively for my new hero Emmanuele Macron, who has gone on in the space of a month to stand bravely up to both Trump and Putin and has also put a team of crack neoliberals in place who will once and for all solve the problems of gallic underproductivity and the woeful lack of competitivity in the French economy, hidebound as it is by a bloated public sector which stifles innovation, etc*.

For the purposes of balance, however, and given that there is about to be a general election in my ‘own’ country, I’ve decided to try to repeat the remarkable success of the previous article. I anticipate that this post will be of special interest to any of my US audience visiting the UK or my many Portuguese and Italian followers** chatting to my compatriots on the beach or in Irish bars. Now, when using the following phrases it needs to be borne in mind that the British (particularly the English) are a prickly group of people so it is best to do as they do and lace whatever you say with enormous amounts of irony, that way you can just claim that you were ‘joking’ and will avoid getting glassed/hit in the face with a croquet mallet/etc.

Phrases to say to British people to stop them voting Tory

  1. Hey, geezer, Theresa May is a threat to national security! She sacked 20,000 bobbies!
  2. It’ll be the final solution for the NHS, mate, the full monty. No more Elf Service for us ordinary blokes.
  3. Look, old chap, you do know that she doesn’t have a plan for Brexit? She’s just going to walk away, it’ll be a total cock-up.
  4. It’s the post-Brexit shock doctrine, me ol’ china. Read Naomi Klein, she’s ace.
  5. She won’t stand up to Trump, fella mi lad. Even held his hand on her visit to the White House. Won’t defend Sadiq Khan or even criticise him over the Paris thing. Plus, those yanks, they don’t know how to make a decent bleedin’ cuppa tea.
  6. (When talking to anyone under the age of 30) Listen, bruv, she don’t even believe in Brexit, she was against it from the start. Dem Tories is bare deng, innit. Got any skinz? #grime4corbyn.
  7. (When talking to anyone who looks like they might not be racist) The Tories have taken over the rhetoric of Farage, chum. They might as well change their name to BluKip.
  8. (When talking to anyone who looks or sounds a bit snooty) How d’you do? Do you really think you can trust that ghastly woman? What about the dementia tax u-turn? I say, fancy a fag?
  9. (If speaking to a Londoner) Cor blimey, that Corbyn’s unexpectedly grown in stature during the course of the bleedin’ campaign, ain’t ‘e guv? Blimey, what a pea souper, and no mistake, apples and pears, etc. At least the EU looked after our air quality, luvaduck.
  10. (If speaking to a Northerner) Fookin ‘ell. Fookin’ Tories. BASTards. Ey up, lad/lass, wha’ der folk call a cob in tha parts, yer bastard? UTB!

*Anyone who is interested in irony will appreciate this sentence, which was surprisingly easy and fun to write.
**Strangely enough I don’t have very many French followers.