A representative of the elephant species has spoken out in the most strident terms against the US Republican Party, calling it an immediate threat to all life on the planet and to the human race in particular. He also asked that the GOP find another symbol to represent its brand.
‘It has long been a source of considerable embarrassment for the elephant community to be associated with the Republican Party’, said the spokeselephant at a press conference held in one of the larger rooms of the Washington offices of the WWF. ‘We were no supporters of Richard Nixon, and very few of us were in favor of George Bush’s invasion of Iraq. However, the spectacle of these last few months has, as we elephants like to say, taken the tusk’.
‘Not only have the nont exactly mammoth-brained sons of the Republican President boasted of hunting elephants and our fellow protected species’, he continued. ‘We have also had to suffer the indignity of becoming associated in the human mind with the most grave offenses against basic human and non-human morality. Without wanting to dwell on their actual enthusiasm for putting child sex abusers into positions of political responsibility, the venality demonstrated by Republican congressmen in serving the requirements of their superrich paymasters with regard to tax reform has been beyond scandalous. They have no concern whatsoever for the effects on your society or your economy’.
‘It’s also necessary to address the, if you’ll excuse the pun, elephant in the room. The Republican Party is an organisation which has, for the last few decades, dedicated itself to telling outright lies about the causes and consequences of environmental catastrophe, particularly with regard to the climate. Their greed and corruption is such that they ignore very real catastrophes and actively seeking to censor discussion of the topic, going so far as to ban the terms ‘climate change’ and ‘global warming’ from government documents’.
‘This issue is one very close to the hearts of all elephants, given that we are a species whose continued existence is threatened. We therefore request that the Republican Party cease forthwith to use our bodies as symbols of their organisation. We would also like to point out the irony of a species usually considered, in human terms, mute, having to raise these issues in the absence of an appropriate level of concern among humans with regard to their own future. We, as elephants, find the Republican Party odious and repugnant; you humans must heed the warning of your intellectual Noam Chomsky, who quite correctly called it the most dangerous organization on the planet today’.
The elephant said that he was aware that given the long association of the GOP with his species, it may not be easy to disassociate the two in the public mind. As a gesture of goodwill he deposited a pile of elephant dung on the stage, suggesting that it would make for a more apposite symbol of what the Republican Party stands for.
Republican Party Chairperson Ronna Romney McDaniel was unavailable to comment as we went to press. Her secretary explained that Ms McDaniel was busy meeting some oxygen industy lobbyists and then had a Sandy Hook-themed NRA Christmas party to attend.
The elephant species is around 55 million years old.
Infinite Coincidence 