Help me help Donald Trump

New US President Donald Trump and his charming American-born wife Melania greet the adoring crowds before his inauguration ceremony last week.

In the last few days this modest blog has become a major focus of attention, with over 600,000 visitors in four days. This has come as a shock, as I had assumed that something I wrote before I’d technically got out of bed could only have a very limited impact. Nevertheless it means that I now have a platform and I’d like to put it to good use.

Your President is very upset at media reports of the poor showing at his inauguration. He even phoned the National Parks director to see if she had any photos which might back up his assertion that there were at least seventetysquidzilliontrillion people in attendance. Unfortunately there aren’t any. This won’t bother his core supporters that much, because they’ve apparently stopped paying attention to the news, and won’t therefore get to hear about the destruction of their livelihoods and dwellings in the impending economic and ecological meltdown. They’ll just continue as normal in an America which is once again great but where most of the people are dying or dead.

I’d like to help them, and I’d like to make amends to Mr Trump for speculating in my piece that he may have the reading age of a 5th grader. A commenter remarked that this was probably inaccurate, and to be fair I’m not very familiar with the US schooling system, so I hurriedly changed it to 12th grade, but then another commenter remonstrated, pointing out the average reading age for US citizens is 7th grade, so I edited it again and now it stands at 8th grade, which is probably a bit generous. Now, Mr Trump probably won’t have read my article – he’s probably seen it, because it was tweeted by his arch nemesis Rosie O’Donnell, but according to an online readability index thing I just submitted it to it has an ‘Average Grade Level’ of 11.3, so at best he might have just looked at it and thought, I wonder what that says. Nonetheless, I’ve read quite a few things about how obsessed he is about this whole inauguration numbers thing, so I thought I’d use this platform that I’ve been granted and try to find some people who maybe didn’t appear in the photos, but are ready to assert that they were in the Washington Mall last Friday during his speech, and then we can do a tally and tweet him the overall number, and that’ll cheer him up so he can go back to ruining the lives of every single person on the planet in order to drown out his memory of that time Rosie O’Donnell called him an asshole on national TV.

So, were you there last Friday? Did you actually make the trip to Washington to cheer on the new Commander in Chief, but for some odd reason spend the entire time hiding from aerial photographers? Just leave a comment here. It doesn’t matter if we only get a few responses. After a week has passed I’ll start an inspiring hashtag called something like ‘#therewerefourmore!’, and then everything will go back to being nice and normal, just with Eric Cartman in charge of the nuclear codes.