Cursing the day she ever got involved in politics, Theresa May signs Article 50

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Theresa May has vowed to represent some sections of the country – maybe including EU nationals, she doesn’t know – as she triggers Article 50 and begins an arduous two-year negotiation to sever ties to Brussels.

It is anticipated that the Channel Tunnel will be closed by mid-August.

On Tuesday afternoon, following a thirteen minute period during which she repeated that she ‘didn’t have a pen’, the Prime Minister signed the letter that starts the formal exit process. It is not known under which name she signed, as she is on record as saying within the last two years that Britain’s leaving the EU would be ‘unthinkable, an utter catastrophe, Christ what a…stupid idea’. Other members of the Government were quick to remove themselves from the range of the assembled cameras at the crucial moment. Tomorrow, the document will be hand-delivered by a senior diplomat to EU chiefs along with a note that simply says ‘help’.

Once it has been accepted, Article 50 has been officially launched. To mark the occasion there will be a celebratory event in Trafalgar Square featuring Boris Johnson, the grandson of Oswald Mosely, Nick Griffin and his beautiful wife Kate Hooey, Mumford & Sons and a number of forlorn stalls specialising in cupcakes containing broken glass and dog feces, vintage National Front leaflets and faded Royal Wedding mugs with the handles missing.

On the eve of that historic handover, Ms May urged the country to come together. She didn’t specify who the country should come together against, but did promise to keep the assembled journalists posted.

“When I sit around the negotiating table in the months ahead, I will represent every person in the whole United Kingdom – young and old, rich and ‘poor’, city, town, country and all the villages, hamlets,…townships…and, er, dwellings in between,” she said, unconvincingly.

“And yes, possibly those EU nationals who have made this country their (at this point the Prime Minster made a wiggly gesture in the air with her fingers) ‘home’. It really depends on what Paul Dacre thinks, to be honest.

“It is my fierce determination to get the right deal for every single person in this country. I don’t just mean single people, that includes married people and people in relationships. It was a figure of speech. Sorry, I’m not really up for this.”

She said her guiding principles would be ensuring the UK was even stronger and fairer than it is today. Several onlookers report that she then said under her breath ‘or what’s left of it’ and giggled nervously.

Ms May also repeated her mantra about creating a “truly global Britain” that “builds relationships with old friends and new allies around the world”. She then went on to repeat this mantra 17 times in an increasingly faltering voice. She concluded by simply whispering ‘I’m sorry’.

After a lengthy pause during which she sat slumped on a chair staring at the ceiling looking deeply unwell, she eventually concluded: “We are one great union of people and nations with a proud history and a bright future. A bright, bright future. You’re going to have to wear…sunglasses. All the time.

“And, now that the decision has been made to leave the EU, it is time to come together. I’m sure…Primal Scream would agree with me on that point.”

The PM’s top team will gather around the Cabinet table at No 10 on Wednesday morning as she informs them about the content of the letter formally invoking Article 50 of the Lisbon Treaty – the formal notification of Britain’s intention to leave the EU. Rupert Murdoch will be listening in on speaker phone just in case anyone’s tempted to make any last-minute false moves.

Then, at some point after 12.30pm, Ms May will inform MPs that Brexit is being triggered and in Brussels, British ambassador to the EU Sir Tim Barrow will deliver the document to European Council president Donald Tusk. If Sir Tim Barrow is for some reason indisposed the task will be carried out by an intern who will then be granted a new identity in a fellow EU country Wales.

Meanwhile, three current cabinet ministers have warned of the catastrophic consequences of a so-called hard Brexit.

David Davis branded the move a “nightmare”, Sajid Javid said it was equivalent to “shooting ourselves in both feet”, and Chris Grayling wrote the word ‘no’ on the wall of his office in his own blood as he expired from a severe self-inflicted injury to the throat.

(Additional reporting courtesy of The Independent).

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