Satire – Infinite Coincidence

This moving speech by a 10-year-old girl should make liberals think again about ‘free speech’

Dec 9, 2017Feb 3, 2019 Rich Will6 Comments

Everyone’s in favour of the right to free speech. Until, that is, ordinary people open their mouths – then things quickly get much more complicated, with exceptions to the rule cropping up all over the place like cracks in a bursting dam. Liberals in particular will claim that their commitment to freedom of expression is total and boundless, but we’ve seen over the last couple of years, from college campuses to the Internet, that their dedication to the cause involves more reservations than the Wild West. Instead of a full-on no-holds-barred debate, they want their safe spaces, where only certain kinds of opinions can be voiced by certain kinds of people.

Well, proponents of the kinds of views that liberals find unacceptable are fighting back. Ordinary people are rejecting the whole specious discourse of political correctness, and refusing to conform to the standard narratives, to the attractively packaged and artificially sweetened versions of reality which they’ve been force-fed for far too long. Opinions rarely expressed in the lamestream media are finding outlets and appreciative audiences online, free of regulation and admonishment by the self-appointed guardians and gatekeepers of good taste.

But who am I to tell you what to think? The video I’m going to show you will make my case far more articulately than any number of #MAGA tweets, Breitbart editorials or impassioned rants by Alex Jones. You’ll certainly never hear these views on a Ted Talk! The video shows a young woman, an innocent yet passionate embodiment of the desire for total human liberty, expressing herself as loudly and as freely as her heart and lungs will allow. It’s a moving lesson – as The Bible says, out of the mouths of babes and sucklings – that teaches us where the full realisation of ‘free speech’ will lead us. Watch it and then tell me you would ever restrict the right of such human beings to share their views in public, regardless of how unpopular the opinion or how unwelcoming the context.

(The point of this obviously tongue-in-cheek post is to ridicule the new global far-right’s hypocritical and cynical pretence of being attached to ‘free speech’, and to make the point to fellow progressives that we must not let them get away with it. You may find it poorly executed – fair enough – but if you think my point is mistaken, please complete the following challenge: find me one social media fascist screeching about the inviolability of free speech (a liberal value in any case) who has also spoken up for the rights of those who don’t subscribe to the alt-right worldview. If you can find one such example, I will send you $10 by PayPal and edit the post accordingly. I’m off out for a pizza.)

Hannity condemns “Trump, sorry I mean Obama” as “sick, pathetic and obsessed”

Dec 8, 2017Dec 8, 2017 Rich Will1 Comment

Fox News host Sean Hannity has launched an extraordinary attack on ‘President Trump, sorry I mean President Obama’, calling him ‘obviously sick, pathetic, and twisted in this obsession with President Obama, sorry I mean President Trump’.

Hannity also claims that he recieves nightly phone calls from the White House during which ‘President Trump, sorry I mean Obama’ appears to be ‘either very drunk or on some sort of drugs’. He reports that the calls, which sometimes go on for several hours, reveal ‘Trump, sorry I mean Obama’ to be a man wracked with self-doubt, desperate for approbation, and, above all, profoundly out of his depth in his new role. Hannity stated that he is ‘worried’ for the president’s state of mental and physical heath, and pleaded with him to turn instead to a competent professional.

‘President Trump, sorry I mean Obama, you must stop calling me’, he pleaded directly to camera Thursday night. ‘I know you have an enormous amount to deal with right now, what with Mueller’s investigation about to knock on your door any second and the creeping suspicion that everyone in the world is looking at you and either laughing or crying with rage, incredulous that the American people could have entrusted the machinery of world government to someone so patently corrupt, obviously temperamentally unstable and catastrophically ignorant of the most basic aspects of what political power entails. But I have a family and a very high-pressure job. I need to sleep at night, not listen to the bitter, self-pitying, incoherent ramblings of an inebriated madman’.

Hannity also explained that ‘President Trump, sorry, I mean President Obama’ has an abiding obsession, one which ‘seems to be consuming him from inside, like a particularly malevolent cancer’, with the notion that he is ‘not nearly as well-suited to the job as his predecessor, President Trump. Sorry, I mean Obama. No wait, Trump’. According to Hannity, ‘Trump’s, sorry I mean Obama’s’ entire political agenda, right from the moment he was inaugurated in January this year, from Climate Change to North Korea to the Middle East, has been determined by a pathological need to destroy and thus emulate the achievements of his widely-respected counterpart. His fixation on ‘President Obama’s, sorry I mean President Trump’s legacy’ is said to be such that he is unable to face up to basic facts about his own situation, automatically projecting every criticism that is made of him ‘directly back onto Obama. Sorry, I mean Trump’. Hannity claims that even those within ‘Obama’s, sorry Trump’s’ inner circle now instinctively copy this behavior, to the point that in any statement that emerges from the White House or is made by his supporters in the media ‘you might as well just replace the name Obama with Trump, and vice versa. That’s how insane things have become. It’s very confusing and frankly puerile’.

Asked after the show to specify which media figures are guilty of such behavior, Hannity refused to comment, saying only that he ‘hoped that Melania, I mean Michelle, can hide the president’s iphone so I can get a good night’s sleep for a change’.

‘Sweet Home Alabama’: Katie Hopkins to move family to US if Roy Moore elected

Dec 6, 2017Dec 6, 2017 Rich Will1 Comment

British media personality Katie Hopkins has announced that she plans to move to Alabama with her children should controversial Republican candidate Roy Moore succeed in his bid for a Senate seat.

A source has reported that Hopkins sees the move as an attempt to relaunch her career in an environment more appreciative of her talents. She is also said to believe that Alabama represents a healthier environment in which to raise her children, given the state’s preponderance of people who despise outsiders, its excellent potential for school shootings, its vulnerability to climate disasters such as floods, hurricanes and droughts and the fact that most of its heavily-armed and undereducated population apparently endorses sexual abuse of children. Hopkins recently spoke out about her own experiences of teenage sexual abuse in an attempt to encourage victims of such treatment to remain silent and to provide emotional support to any adults newly contemplating sexual assault of minors.

Hopkin’s fortunes in the UK have taken a downturn of late. She was sacked from her radio show at LBC because of falling listenership and for having called for a ‘Final Solution’, and was subsequently fired from her Daily Mail column for costing the newspaper hundreds of thousands of pounds in libel fees and also for being insufficiently entertaining. Her book of memoirs, ‘I, Hatey Katie’, sold only eight copies, and plans for her to go door-to-door shouting abuse at people in order to promote it had to be shelved for logistical reasons. A faeces-themed cookbook of recipes aimed at raising money for organisations fighting the homeless failed to find a publisher, and an offer to host a racist beauty pageant was revealed to have been an internet prank, as were rumours that she was to replace Angelina Jolie as Special Envoy to the UN High Comissioner for Refugees. Hopkins is also said to be disheartened that in recent weeks her prized position of pantomime harridan cartoon racist attention-dependent national hate figure appears to have been stolen by Jayda Fransen.

Hopkins is said to believe that relocating to the States will raise her standing in the Fox News ranking of probably-mentally-ill-people-who-can-be-guaranteed-to-come-on-TV-at-a-moment’s-notice-and-say-something-outrageous-about-black-people-or-climate-change-or whatever-just-to-get-attention, where she currently sits in 13,373rd position. She believes that she will quickly be welcomed into the supportive community of figures such as Tomi Lahren, Ann Coulter, Lauren Southern, all of whom similarly have built their careers by spitting in the face of female solidarity. Should her media ambitions not meet with success, Hopkins plans include dumping her kids in a motel and running through Washington screaming for people to notice her, before being transported to a secure psychiatric institution where she hopes to reinvent herself as that-one-who-just-stays-in-her-room-making-screeching-noises-all-the-damn-time.

Katie Hopkins is 64 years old.

P.S. Fake news? Indeed it is, but then so was this and this. She’d promise to auction off her kids if she thought it’d get her onto GMTV. I suspect they’d be secretly delighted.

‘#GOPedos!’: Republican Party to change name, campaign on pro-pedophile platform

Nov 29, 2017Dec 12, 2017 Rich WillLeave a comment

The news that Roy Moore’s support in the run-up to the December senatorial election has actually risen since the pedophile allegations may have shocked and horrified some. The Republican Party, on the other hand, is trying to turn the situation to their advantage not just in Alabama, but also nationally.

‘Some of us feigned the usual concern about what he was alleged to have done’, said a party spokesman Wednesday. ‘As you will have noticed, the strategy adopted by all leading Republicans was to say that if he was found guilty, he should step down. It was obvious that there would be no criminal trials, especially before voting opens, so we knew we were pretty safe’.

However, subsequent events in Alabama have convinced party chiefs that even that approach may have underplayed their hand. ‘We had no idea how well pedophilia would go down with the evangelicals. Since it was revealed that he almost certainly sexually harassed underage teenagers, their support for him has gone through the roof. The data we’re receiving suggests that if the reports about him abusing children had come out a few weeks earlier to allow for more voting registrations from self-declared ‘christians’, he would have got over 90% of the ‘religious’ vote! It’s pretty clear that he should have campaigned as a pedophile candidate right from the start!’

Senior figures in the Republican Party are now planning to clean the slate of non-pedophile candidates for the 2018 elections. Any sitting congressman who does not currently have child abuse charges hanging over their head has received a memo requesting that they ‘pull out all the stops’ to get their name linked with pedophile activity ‘by the end of January at the latest’. The party is also buying up advertising space across all ‘Christian’ TV networks and investing massively in social media ads targeting ‘evangelicals’ as part of a concerted effort to rebrand itself with the slogan ‘#GOPedos’. Faces such as Steve Bannon and Steve Miller, who research has revealed to fit most people’s image of what pedophiles look like, are to be pushed to the fore, and looking forward to 2020 a number of videos are being prepared which will confirm what we’ve all long suspected about Donald Trump. The party is also ‘keeping a close eye’ on how Trump’s tweeted support for a British terrorist organisation plays with his base, and may adopt an explicitly pro-violence platform should the president’s explicit admission that yes, he is basically an actual nazi serve to firm up his support amongst the worst people who have ever lived.

No actual Christians were available to comment as we went to press.

Did you know that Bob Dylan once composed a new Italian national anthem?

Nov 29, 2017Nov 30, 2017 Rich Will5 Comments

b025532785fcc5391eb05a12ede95300 — Bob Dylan with Dario Franceschini in Rome, July 2015

There’s an episode in the life in Bob Dylan which I’ve never seen mentioned in any of the books I’ve read about and by him and can’t find on any of the reams of websites dedicated to his work. Dylan’s work and life is the subject of all sorts of rumours, some generated by himself, and so it makes sense to be sceptical. Nonetheless, three people I’ve met independently of each other here in Italy have told me the same story, and the basic ‘facts’ are as follows.

A few years ago a youngish (for Italy…) culture minister by the name of Dario Franceschini decided that his country needed a more global and modern image. He was sick of hearing the same old cliches about pizza, opera and the mafia, and particularly resented what was for him one of Italy’s most embarrassing symbols: its national anthem (‘Il Canto degli Italiani‘ – the song of the Italians). For all that most such songs are bellicose hymns, this one really, as they say in Italy, è il colmo – it takes the biscuit. Not only had its unofficial title (‘Fratelli d’Italia’ – brothers and sisters of Italy) recently been stolen for the name of yet another new party of the euphemistically-named ‘centre-right’. It was also aggressive, hostile, and, in the age of Isis et al, outright terroristic: ‘We are ready to die’, it bellowed, before going on to belittle Italy’s EU neighbours the Austrians and finally claim Italy as an inherently Christian nation, revealing to the world the ‘ways of the lord’.

It’s ironic, then, that the person who he thought might be willing to take on a task on such a scale was himself someone who had voiced similarly evangelical sentiments in the past: Bob Dylan. It was a tiro lungo – a long shot. But Franceschini had, from way back in his university days, been a good friend of the singer Francesco de Gregori, who had recently been in New York recording his album of Dylan songs and who had actually met the man himself at a party. It turned out that Dylan was not only a fan of Italian music, but was also quite knowledgeable about the country’s history. He didn’t speak much of the language, but wasn’t it about time, thought Franceschini, that Italy fully embraced globalisation, becoming the first non-English-speaking country in the world to have a national anthem sung in the international language?

To his astonishment and delight, the feelers he put out to Dylan’s management team via his friend Francesco were well received. Dylan was interested in the idea, although he wasn’t sure whether he wanted his involvement to become public knowledge. As it happened he had a concert scheduled in Italy just a couple of months later, in Turin. How would it be, enquired Franceschini timorously, if the great man were to come to Rome for a few days following the concert, just to see how things went?

So it was that Dylan spent the first few days of July 2015 in the heat of the early Roman summer. The two men got on enormously well, and as Culture Minister Franceschini was able to show his guest some parts of the city and its immense cultural heritage that few get to see. They bonded over a shared love of Caravaggio and of 13th century Italian poetry. That part of the trip went enormously well.

However, not everything ran smoothly. Dylan’s well-known habit of getting to know cities undercover, at street level, away from the world of five-star hotels and luxury dining establishments, didn’t stand him in very good stead in the Italian capital. Within a few days of arriving he was starting to complain bitterly about the atrocious state of the public transport network, the staggering amount of litter in the streets, the constant problems with mobile connectivity, the manifold challenges presented by the deceptively tricky task of locating a working ATM machine, the endless queues and mind-numbing bureaucracy involved in something as simple as posting a package back home, and the general rundownness of the place. Thankfully, though, his negative experiences didn’t stop his creative juices from flowing – the degradation and daily frustrations seemed to stimulate his imagination. Sadly, however, the song he came up with after the five days were up was judged unsuitable by all concerned. Franceschini gave a solemn oath that he would never share details of the project with anyone, Dylan flew back to California, and the song that he wrote has never been played or heard in public. Until now.

Eccola.

(Incidentally, I’ve been surprised by the number of people who’ve suggested replacing the photo of Dylan with Pisapia with one of Dylan and Franceschini. As far as I know the two have never met, so it would involve getting in touch via representatives of both men and trying to engineer an encounter. I only wrote this for a cheap laugh and I don’t believe it’s worth all that work. I’m not Tony Hawks.)

EXCLUSIVE: Tommy Robinson signs up to write for Spiked Online

Nov 27, 2017Nov 27, 2017 Rich Will1 Comment

In a surprise development, one guaranteed to take the world of attention-seeking intellectually dishonest websites by storm, the ‘contrarian’ news commentary site Spiked Online has announced a new star columnist: Tommy Robinson, formerly of the British National Party/English Defence League, the highly-regarded and not-at-all gullible Quilliam Foundation think tank, and a number of leading UK penitentiary institutions.

‘Many have seen us as basically a pseudo-intellectual version of 4chan, while others regard us as some sort of long-standing university clique whose main defining characteristic is a desire to get revenge on the sort of people who didn’t want to be friends with them at university’, said Brendan O’Neill of Spiked, who asked us to mention that the sunglasses he was wearing during the conversation ‘may or may not have been’ the same brand as those worn by ‘certain members of the alt-right’. ‘Acquiring the skills of a widely-respected thinker such as Tommy Robinson may challenge those perceptions’, he went on. ‘Whether in terms of having a go at the Irish over Brexit, splenetically feigning enthusiasm for what is basically a pre-GCSE notion of #freespeech, or just generally getting angry towards a deliberate mischaracterisation of Islamic belief and practice, Tommy will fit right into our stable of wannabe iconoclasts. Plus his involvement may lighten the burden of our having to churn out hundreds of articles a week of look-at-meeee-I’m-soooo-shocking speciously-argued op-eds, given that the sort of people he will be attracting to the RCP/Living Marxism/LM/Spiked Online/Red Front/Institute of Ideas/Sense About Science/Ferraris for All/Irish Freedom Movement/Audacity/Worldwrite/Maverick Club family of brands can’t actually read’.

Mr O’Neill then had to excuse himself, explaining that he had to meet some of his ‘mates’ to ‘drink beer, say lots of bad words’ and ‘some other really really naughty things, like probably a football hooliganism’. Asked whether his companions happened to include anyone by the name of Furedi, Fox, Hume or Malik, O’Neill demurred. Mr Robinson himself could not be contacted as he was busy continuing his ongoing undercover expose of online abuse of underage Muslim girls by leading members of the British far-right, and after having wiped himself down from that was due to pop in to his sunbed shop to see how much money he’d made that day from local people desperate to have a darker skin tone (our emphasis). His first column for Spiked, to be entitled ‘Why true patriots abhor this so-called royal wedding’, is scheduled to be published next week.

Leading UK journalist Tommy Robinson tipped to win Pulitzer Prize

Nov 25, 2017Nov 30, 2017 Rich Will2 Comments

The noted British journalist Tommy Robinson is in line for the most prestigious prize in his field, it has been reported. It is unclear which of Robinson’s many scoops drew the attention of the prizegiving committee, but it is believed that his tweets blaming ‘you know who’ for a non-existent terrorist attack and telling his followers, very few of whom ever visit London because its diverse human population scares them, to ‘stay away from Oxford Circus, some muzzies is shooting dead hundreds of us whites, its the final confrontation’, has tipped the balance in his favour. The project in question was developed in collaboration with two of his BNP mates in a Wetherspoon’s in central Luton, where Sky News was on but with the sound off. Robinson was also able to piece together the non-events by reading what some fellow racists, none of whom were anywhere near what wasn’t taking place and pretty much all of whom spend their lives sitting around smoking weed and fantasising about shooting people, had posted on social media. The fact that Robinson subsequently deleted the tweets in question is not expected to harm his chances. His celebrated undercover investigation into the online abuse of underage Muslim girls by leading figures on the British far-right may also have played a part in his being nominated.

The judges said Robinson was, like any Pulitzer nominee, being shortlisted for the accolade due to his ‘steadfast and fearless dedication to the pursuit of truth. Or, in his case, its opposite’. A spokesperson stated that the prize would both reward and encourage the sort of in-depth reportage which Robinson has pursued on the maximum 140-character platform. A spokesperson for the prospective recipient said he was ‘made up’ at the news and said that ‘Mr Pulitzer and his mates’ would be more than welcome to avail of an hour or so’s free tanning if they ever happened to be in the Luton area.

Although Robinson is best-known for his Twitter account and for getting arrested regularly, he also presents a series for the non-British-based Youtube channel Rebel TV in which he turns up late at night with his BNP mates outside the actual houses of anyone who’s upset him on Twitter. Although very, very, very, very, very few people have ever seen the programme, it has been described by someone who was paid to watch it by a comedy website as ‘a bit like Ross Kemp, but much more racist and filmed on a smartphone by someone who appears to be very drunk’.

News of the prize caps a remarkable couple of weeks for Robinson, as just last week it was announced that he would become chairperson of an arts charity, with £100,000 in grants to disburse. The organisation in question subsequently turned out to be run by a fantasist and the£100,000 transpired to be a myth, but still.

There has been some speculation that Robinson’s string of criminal convictions and the fact that he himself appears unclear on what his actual name is may jeopardise his chances. In addition it is uncertain whether the relative anonymity of the site may count against him – high-profile journalists working for actual publications are identified by a blue tick, and although he describes himself as a journalist Robinson’s account does not possess such a symbol. Neither does Robinson possess a press card, as he almost certainly doesn’t know what one is and would probably block anyone who asked him about it.

Asked whether these issues, in conjunction with the fact that Robinson is not a journalist in any way, shape or form, will mean that the notion of his winning the Pulitzer Prize could not be sensibly regarded as anything other than ridiculous, absurd and ultimately laughable, the spokesperson (who had, in any case, been made up for satirical purposes) answered ‘yes’.

UPDATE: The Daily Mail has announced that it plans to offer Tommy Robinson the role of Chief Reporter. The newspaper confirmed the news in a press release, saying that it will soon boast a ‘dream team of hate, consisting of Katie Hopkins, Robinson himself and (although negotiations with the relevant authorities are not yet entirely concluded) Anders Breivik (PBUH)’.

FURTHER UPDATE: Katie Hopkins has now been sacked from the Daily Mail. They didn’t mind her genocidal racism and outright lies, but others did and she’s cost them an absolute fortune in libel payouts. She’s now deleted hundreds of her tweets, relocated to Luton, and is applying for a job at Tommy Robinson’s tanning salon :-P.

P.S. The subscription options on Waxy-Lemon’s website are fucking hilarious. I’m tempted to sign up for the ‘Producer’s Club’ one ($250 a year). I strongly suspect that no one else has done so, and it would give me to change the tenor of his podcast somewhat. A lot less ranting about immigrants by someone who’s never been one or actually met any, a lot more music by ADF and MIA and guest spots from the likes of Warsaw Shire and Hassan Akkad. I’m sure his paid-up subscriber(s) would be delighted.

Trump ‘devastated’ by Franken revelations: ‘How could anyone treat a woman in such a way?’

Nov 17, 2017Nov 18, 2017 Rich Will5 Comments

US President and Commander-in-Chief Donald Trump is said to have been ‘profoundly shocked and disgusted’ at the revelation that Democratic Senator Al Franken briefly groped a female colleague during a TV stunt over eleven years ago.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, a White House insider said that neither his staff nor his family had ever seen President Trump as downbeat as over these last 24 hours. He is said to be profoundly shocked that anyone, particularly someone in a position of responsibility, could even think of treating a woman in such a way.

President Trump spent Friday away from TV cameras and was not present on social media all day. Aides reported that he was ‘heartbroken’ upon reading the reports of Franken’s behavior. He is believed to have spent the day in consultation with close female friends, including a number of noteworthy feminists who have been seeking to bring him up to speed on the depth and extent of sexual abuse of women in the US. The President is said to have been ‘humbled and horrified’ by what he has learned.

President Trump is known and respected for his dedication to the furtherance of women’s rights. He has said on several occasions that protecting women from sexual abuse is the single biggest motivating factor in his becoming involved in politics. He used his inauguration speech in January to call for a ‘new feminist dawn’ in America, and has been consistent in seeking to ensure that any woman who does report untoward conduct by men in any area of life is given a full hearing by the justice system and that the right of all women regardless of their age or political affiliation to live free of sexual harrasment is respected at all times and in all places, ‘from hotel elevators to TV studios to the back stage areas of beauty pageants’. In return, he has been universally heralded as the country’s ‘first female president’, and rumors are now spreading that he may be awarded the Nobel Prize For Feminism And Never Having Been Recorded Boasting About Regularly Molesting Women FFS in Stockholm next month.

In other White House news, President Trump’s daughter has been appointed to lead a global task force to investigate the sexual abuse of women by political figures, while his son Barron Trump is to head a commision of inquiry into the mounting problem of Fake News and will also take charge of the Government’s response to the opoid epidemic, negotiations with North Korea, hurricane relief and healthcare reform. Finally, Julian Assange has been appointed Australia’s ambassador to the United States, replacing a woman who had been variously referred to by President Trump on social media as a ‘stupid aborigine slut’ and a ‘fat bich whos too ugly to even rape, lol’.

NRA condemns mass murderer: ‘Poor guy, must have had a bad day or something’

Oct 4, 2017Nov 5, 2017 Rich Will1 Comment

After two days of silence following the massacre in Las Vegas, the CEO of the National Rifle Association, Wayne LaPierre (aka ‘The Marksman’), has finally spoken out against such mass killings, in terms some commentators are calling ‘unprecedentedly strong’ for his organisation.

Mr LaPierre called the events of Sunday night ‘unfortunate if not regrettable’, adding that he personally found the death toll ‘a little excessive’ and the sight of so many dead bodies ‘distasteful’. His said that the NRA ‘equivocally condemned’ anyone who committed such acts, and in response to questions from the media conceded that the killer was ‘probably a bit of a jerk, or maybe he’d just had a bad day or something, as we all do sometimes’. Although he commended the ‘almost military-standard’ shooting skills of the now-deceased gunman, he questioned whether it had been ‘wise’ to conduct the slaughter at ‘such a politically sensitive time’, and stressed that the NRA had recently written to its members politely asking them to ‘refrain’ from murdering large numbers of strangers in cold blood ‘at least until the silencer legislation is good and passed’.

However, Mr LaPierre did also point out that for many members of his organisation shooting powerful guns at large crowds of random people ‘is a very important part of their lives and a key element of their identity’. He urged the media to respect the feelings of gun users at this time, stressing that some of his members were feeling chastened at the ‘somewhat overblown’ media reaction to the events, and warned that in such a mood they may react badly to further criticism. He pointed out that the high death toll had been the result of ‘some incredibly powerful weaponry’, and expressed ‘relief’ that the ‘very impressive’ collection of weapons used by the shooter do not appear to have suffered any damage. Mr LaPierre also mentioned that the very same models were now on sale on his personal website as part of a ‘Las Vegas Frenzy’ special offer, with a 80% discount for NRA members who are fully paid-up and have murdered at least four people in the last three months.

In response to questions about the possible need for a tightening of regulations regarding gun ownership, Mr LaPierre said that such talk was ‘absolutely unhinged’, and that ‘only a madman’ would suggest that there was any sort of link between guns, bullets and piles of dead bodies. He said that it was ‘monstrous, evil beyond measure’ to suggest, as some people had, that the NRA in any way encouraged such acts, and urged NRA members to ‘take action’ against all politicians who pursued such a ‘truly sick’ agenda, without sparing anyone who happened to be standing in their vicinity. He then asked for a ten-minute silence for the protagonist of the massacre, calling him an ‘exemplary customer’ and a ‘true American hero’.

Tagged: Satire, Fake News, This did not happen.

Blow for Trump as golf stars ‘take a knee’

Oct 2, 2017Oct 4, 2017 Rich WillLeave a comment

In an unforeseen development which will shake the world of sport to its core and cause further embarrassment to President Donald Trump, a number of the world’s leading golfers have chosen to demonstrate their solidarity with black victims of police violence by ‘taking a knee’. The golfers’ gesture will surprise those who saw the sport as one which would be resistant to political pressure. It will be politically disappointing for Mr Trump, as he is, like his North Korean counterpart Kim Jong Un, a major golf enthusiast, to the point where he has so far spent over two months of his term on the course.

The first golfer to join the protests was current world number 1 Dustin Johnson, who remarked “I cannot stand by while people of colour are treated with contempt by law enforcement officers and denied justice. It is quite frankly unconscionable”.

Johnson’s playing partner, three-time Major champion Jordan Spieth, was quick to join in. He said: “The response this week by certain sections of white America to the mere act of black sportspeople peacefully protesting what they rightly see as race-based injustice has been extremely unedifying. As a leading golfer it behoves me to stand up for my fellow Americans.”

Justin Thomas, winner of four PGA tour events, took the knee during the President’s Cup golf tournament in New Jersey. He said that he was “proud to take part.”

He was joined by the winner of that competition, Steve Stricker, who told a subsequent press conference organised by Black Lives Matter that “As a human being, an American and a public figure, I had no hesitation in making this gesture. The rebirth of white supremacy, especially since this current administration took power, is both terrifying and deeply, deeply shameful.”

2017 Open Champion Brooks Koepka looked sombre as he knelt on the immaculate putting lawn at Florida’s Olympia Fields. He made no comment to the press, but did give a black power salute to the assembled crowd after completing the 18th hole.

Veteran golfer Matt Kuchar, who has won 13 titles throughout his lengthy career, said it was essential for someone of his stature to show an example to younger players, especially people of colour who aspire to play golf.

PGA tour star Rickie Fowler said that “as a Christian” he “would have been embarrassed if he hadn’t” taken a knee during the British Master’s event at Close House.

Tiger Woods also took part, subsequently stating via Twitter “#fuckDonaldTrump”.

A surprise participant in the protests was President Donald Trump himself, who commented “Racism is and always has been endemic to the American project, and my presidency is vivid living proof of that. Our country is literally unimaginable without plundered labour shackled to plundered land, without the organising principle of whiteness as citizenship, without the culture crafted by the plundered, and without that culture itself being plundered. This has to end. I am a disgrace”.