23 things you have an ‘absolute right’ to do


  1. Shout ‘puppy dogs make me so horny!’ on a crowded subway train.
  2. Put human feces on a BBQ grill and try to feed it to your family.
  3. Stop any random stranger on the street and tell them they’re the ugliest person you’ve ever seen.
  4. Take a running jump out of the nearest window.
  5. Tell everyone you work with that you’ve joined the KKK or BNP.
  6. Go to a tattoo parlour and get the words ‘AVOID THIS ASSHOLE’ written on your forehead.
  7. Go for six months without taking a shower or a bath.
  8. Vote Republican or Conservative.
  9. Give up your job, throw away all your cash and cut up your credit cards, taking care to dispose of all the food in your house before you do so.
  10. Change your Facebook status to ‘I hate all my so-called friends, especially you’.
  11. Up your cigarette intake to 160 a day.
  12. Tell everyone you meet, no matter how fleetingly, the most unambiguously shocking thing you’ve ever done.
  13. Put your house on the market for $10/£9.
  14. Individually email all the members of your family asking them never to contact you again or you will kill yourself.
  15. Sit in the park in the rain eating dog food out of a can.
  16. Contract herpes and shun treatment.
  17. Refuse to share your name with anyone you meet in a professional context.
  18. Throw your cellphone and carkeys into the nearest river or stream.
  19. When introduced to friends of friends, immediately tell them a horrible lie about your mutual friend.
  20. Go to the theater and shout ‘fire’ when the play’s just about to start.
  21. Tell your partner that you have a terminal disease when you don’t.
  22. Cut off both of your ears and then try phoning for an ambulance.
  23. If you should inadvertently find yourself in the position of President of your country, give top-secret intelligence information to a foreign power in order to try to make the representatives of that foreign power think that you’d be a cool guy to be friends with, then get your subordinates to lie on your behalf, and then use social media to admit you did exactly what the news reports said.

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