- Shout ‘puppy dogs make me so horny!’ on a crowded subway train.
- Put human feces on a BBQ grill and try to feed it to your family.
- Stop any random stranger on the street and tell them they’re the ugliest person you’ve ever seen.
- Take a running jump out of the nearest window.
- Tell everyone you work with that you’ve joined the KKK or BNP.
- Go to a tattoo parlour and get the words ‘AVOID THIS ASSHOLE’ written on your forehead.
- Go for six months without taking a shower or a bath.
- Vote Republican or Conservative.
- Give up your job, throw away all your cash and cut up your credit cards, taking care to dispose of all the food in your house before you do so.
- Change your Facebook status to ‘I hate all my so-called friends, especially you’.
- Up your cigarette intake to 160 a day.
- Tell everyone you meet, no matter how fleetingly, the most unambiguously shocking thing you’ve ever done.
- Put your house on the market for $10/£9.
- Individually email all the members of your family asking them never to contact you again or you will kill yourself.
- Sit in the park in the rain eating dog food out of a can.
- Contract herpes and shun treatment.
- Refuse to share your name with anyone you meet in a professional context.
- Throw your cellphone and carkeys into the nearest river or stream.
- When introduced to friends of friends, immediately tell them a horrible lie about your mutual friend.
- Go to the theater and shout ‘fire’ when the play’s just about to start.
- Tell your partner that you have a terminal disease when you don’t.
- Cut off both of your ears and then try phoning for an ambulance.
- If you should inadvertently find yourself in the position of President of your country, give top-secret intelligence information to a foreign power in order to try to make the representatives of that foreign power think that you’d be a cool guy to be friends with, then get your subordinates to lie on your behalf, and then use social media to admit you did exactly what the news reports said.