In an unprecedented and unforeseen move, the UK Government has announced that, following the formal departure of Britain from the European Union in seventeen months’ time, all government ministries will be merged into a single superdepartment to be known as the National Scapegoating Agency (NSA).
In a press statement which exhibited the clear thinking and decisiveness that has characterised the premiership of Prime Minister Theresa May, the Government announced that ‘faced with the challenges posed by the impending transformation of British life, we have decided to take necessary precautions. No one beyond outright demagogues and the sort of people who would struggle to name the capital city of ‘their’ country now believes that Brexit will result in anything but chaos. Had we listened to experts instead of self-interested ideologically-motivated tricksters such as Mr Farage and Mr Johnson in the first place, this would never have happened. As it is, the only options we have are, one, to massively increase the forces of law and order by reintroducing conscription and two, redirect all the energies of every government ministry into pretending that it’s all the fault of foreigners or whoever else we might be able to get away with blaming. It’s not like there’ll be any money to waste on trivial expenditure such as schools or hospitals anyway. As for foreign aid and combatting Climate Change, you have got to be fucking kidding me.’
At a separate press conference, during which a minister who could not be identified as he or she had a paper bag over his or her head refused to make any further statements or answer any questions, a series of informational posters were revealed. They will be deployed around the country, which may or may not by then include Northern Ireland, on billboards and buses from the beginning of 2018. Slogans include:
- Want to feed your family? Then join the army!!!!
- Cold? Hungry? Ill? BLAME A FOREIGNER!!!
- Want to keep warm this winter? BURN AN IMMIGRANT!!!
- Asking about the £350 million we were apparently going to spend on the NHS is an act of treason punishable by death.
- Whoever gave you permission to read this?! Keep your eyes on the pavements, you dogs!
The cost of the poster campaign will be covered by European Union funding.