‘#GOPedos!’: Republican Party to change name, campaign on pro-pedophile platform

The news that Roy Moore’s support in the run-up to the December senatorial election has actually risen since the pedophile allegations may have shocked and horrified some. The Republican Party, on the other hand, is trying to turn the situation to their advantage not just in Alabama, but also nationally.

‘Some of us feigned the usual concern about what he was alleged to have done’, said a party spokesman Wednesday. ‘As you will have noticed, the strategy adopted by all leading Republicans was to say that if he was found guilty, he should step down. It was obvious that there would be no criminal trials, especially before voting opens, so we knew we were pretty safe’.

However, subsequent events in Alabama have convinced party chiefs that even that approach may have underplayed their hand. ‘We had no idea how well pedophilia would go down with the evangelicals. Since it was revealed that he almost certainly sexually harassed underage teenagers, their support for him has gone through the roof. The data we’re receiving suggests that if the reports about him abusing children had come out a few weeks earlier to allow for more voting registrations from self-declared ‘christians’, he would have got over 90% of the ‘religious’ vote! It’s pretty clear that he should have campaigned as a pedophile candidate right from the start!’

Senior figures in the Republican Party are now planning to clean the slate of non-pedophile candidates for the 2018 elections. Any sitting congressman who does not currently have child abuse charges hanging over their head has received a memo requesting that they ‘pull out all the stops’ to get their name linked with pedophile activity ‘by the end of January at the latest’. The party is also buying up advertising space across all ‘Christian’ TV networks and investing massively in social media ads targeting ‘evangelicals’ as part of a concerted effort to rebrand itself with the slogan ‘#GOPedos’. Faces such as Steve Bannon and Steve Miller, who research has revealed to fit most people’s image of what pedophiles look like, are to be pushed to the fore, and looking forward to 2020 a number of videos are being prepared which will confirm what we’ve all long suspected about Donald Trump. The party is also ‘keeping a close eye’ on how Trump’s tweeted support for a British terrorist organisation plays with his base, and may adopt an explicitly pro-violence platform should the president’s explicit admission that yes, he is basically an actual nazi serve to firm up his support amongst the worst people who have ever lived.

No actual Christians were available to comment as we went to press.

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