In a surprise development, one guaranteed to take the world of attention-seeking intellectually dishonest websites by storm, the ‘contrarian’ news commentary site Spiked Online has announced a new star columnist: Tommy Robinson, formerly of the British National Party/English Defence League, the highly-regarded and not-at-all gullible Quilliam Foundation think tank, and a number of leading UK penitentiary institutions.
‘Many have seen us as basically a pseudo-intellectual version of 4chan, while others regard us as some sort of long-standing university clique whose main defining characteristic is a desire to get revenge on the sort of people who didn’t want to be friends with them at university’, said Brendan O’Neill of Spiked, who asked us to mention that the sunglasses he was wearing during the conversation ‘may or may not have been’ the same brand as those worn by ‘certain members of the alt-right’. ‘Acquiring the skills of a widely-respected thinker such as Tommy Robinson may challenge those perceptions’, he went on. ‘Whether in terms of having a go at the Irish over Brexit, splenetically feigning enthusiasm for what is basically a pre-GCSE notion of #freespeech, or just generally getting angry towards a deliberate mischaracterisation of Islamic belief and practice, Tommy will fit right into our stable of wannabe iconoclasts. Plus his involvement may lighten the burden of our having to churn out hundreds of articles a week of look-at-meeee-I’m-soooo-shocking speciously-argued op-eds, given that the sort of people he will be attracting to the RCP/Living Marxism/LM/Spiked Online/Red Front/Institute of Ideas/Sense About Science/Ferraris for All/Irish Freedom Movement/Audacity/Worldwrite/Maverick Club family of brands can’t actually read’.
Mr O’Neill then had to excuse himself, explaining that he had to meet some of his ‘mates’ to ‘drink beer, say lots of bad words’ and ‘some other really really naughty things, like probably a football hooliganism’. Asked whether his companions happened to include anyone by the name of Furedi, Fox, Hume or Malik, O’Neill demurred. Mr Robinson himself could not be contacted as he was busy continuing his ongoing undercover expose of online abuse of underage Muslim girls by leading members of the British far-right, and after having wiped himself down from that was due to pop in to his sunbed shop to see how much money he’d made that day from local people desperate to have a darker skin tone (our emphasis). His first column for Spiked, to be entitled ‘Why true patriots abhor this so-called royal wedding’, is scheduled to be published next week.